When copeing with losses, we often go through 7 stages (stages of grief, yea yea). If they are, indeed, true, then I am in the anger phase. A few days ago I would’ve claimed sadness, or perhaps even denial. Now it is more anger. I have been in a bad mood since Saturday, when I go stuck at boring children’s fest. It would’ve been okay had Gary been available to commiserate, but he was away on the wild goose chase of picking up the Russian Ladies Choir, which ended up taking from around 11AM until 3PM. Meanwhile I spent about 30 minutes playing with Ina’s children, and a long time in awkward conversations with my German ‘Opa,’ ‘Brother,’ ‘Father,’ and ‘Ina.’ I just felt like puting ‘Ina’ quotations (there I just did it twice). There were a couple other people who tried to talk to me and for a while I was keeping up. But I suddenly go struck by a bad mood, headache and lightheaded fit. It had pretty bad timing. I was sitting at a picnic table I had helped carry and set up, under a tent I help set up, when Ina came up to me. She asked if I wanted to take some pictures and I answered No, with a bit more malous and whineness than I orignally intended. Luckily it is not my normal disposition to refuse things or be mean and or whiney, so she could tell something was wrong. I explained I wasn’t feeling well and she had me go in Mom’s (Frau Förster’s) office and lie down. After 30 minutes of this I was feeling weird and didn’t want someone walking in on me and wondering what some weirdo was doing sleeping on the floor. I came outside just in time to see alot of children’s dance routines and a demonstration/comedy skit from the Gräfendorf volunteer fire department. They have a very old fire ‘truck’ in their possession. Atcually it is more like a horse drawn cart minus the horses. Instead the members of the fire department drug it around. On the cart was a pump of the variety you see on cartoon rail cars. The two sided up and down action kind, like on the Coyote and Roadrunner. This was used to pump the water. Let’s just say it didn’t really perform optimally. If there is ever a real fire in Gräfendorf, I hope they use something else. In the skit an outhouse ‘caught on fire’ (they just used smokebombs) and the fire department put it out apparently by spraying the crowd with water and breathing on the fire. The water never reached the outhouse, which wasn’t surprising seeing as the truck stopped a good 500 m from the fire. That turned out to be the second most entertaining 5 minutes of the entire day. The first was an accordian band playing Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown.’ (Of Arrested Development fame) Unfortunatly no magician was present. Shortly afterwards Gary arrived and we both fled from the event as fast as possible.
The major point is that the residue from that bad mood has lingered. The children sometimes get on my nerves, I’m tired of my job, tired of the walks from my apartment to the church to do anything, tired of wondering if I am understanding everything right. In short I am ready for a vacation. Or perhaps I am in the anger phase of dealing with leaveing and with this year being over. Soon I will have to decide what to do with my life, or at least the next part of it. I think that that too factors into the grief, part of me realizes that I am too old to jump from service project to service project. Despite my reluctance, perhaps it really is time to settle down, at least somewhere, and start working. It is simply alot of weight on my mind, which just makes me feel tired and cranky. And if that isn’t bad enough, even G-Mail has turned against me, delivering this message to me today: Arrgh! The page has been corrupted. If you are running security or firewall software, you may have to disable it.
I think Arrgh! Sums it up completely.
Labels: End of the Year Thoughts